The Inspector and the Bolts


Author Unknown but Revered

Here dwelt in the City of Manch.. Inspector of a Turbine Factory and his chief spoke unto him, saying "Lo, there is, in the wilderness of Traff, a maker of bolts, and he has made two score and five special bolts. They be Sooper-Dooper bolts and great is the tensile strength thereof, that they may fix the top of a cylinder casing even unto the bottom.
Get thee hence and inspect them. And take micrometer and things, that thou shalt gauge them unto within the wideness of a certain part of a gnat.
For I say unto thee, if thou shalt release them and they be found wanting, then I will tear a strip off thee.
Yea, if the bolts be not properly inspected, then will I cause a great misfortune to fall upon thee."

And the Inspector who was a sound bloke spake thus: "O. K. Chief, that which is asked for by Drawing and Specification shall be done."

And then he departed and journeyed unto the maker of the bolts who spake unto him saying: "Here they are Charlie. Want a sixinshrool?"

But the Inspector chided him saying: "Before I measure them command your servants and your handmaidens that they may deliver unto me all the paper works thereunto."

Then there were carried unto him one hundred and fifty nine scrolls, which were the Release Notes and the Test Certificates for the raw materials and the M.S.L. Certificate of the fiery furnace in which they did heat treat the bolts, and the Calibration Charts for the hardness machine in which they did test the bolts, and a host of Certificates of Accuracy for the tensile and Izod machines in which they did stretch and smite the test pieces.
And there was also brought unto him a dog licence, a copy of a Factories Act and a Pool's Coupon, which were included amongst the papers in error.
And they delivered unto him also many M.S.L. Certificates relating unto the Wickman Gauges used upon the bolts. There were also Certificates of Chemical Analysis and Radiological Reports and Inspection Records and many other reports of strange, and wonderful things of which no one knew the meaning.
And they brought a copy of the order and set of drawings and a Pyrometer Record Chart which was fifty cubits in length and a multitude of other things too numerous to recite.

For twelve days the Inspector looked upon these things and on the twelfth day he said they were good.
Then did he measure the bolts, and all the dimensions thereof were according to Hoyle.
And he put them in strange positions and tested them upon a machine of a Magnaflux.
And he performed Rockwells upon them all, and some he rubbed with a precious jewel.
Then he cast his eye upon them through a microscope, a horoscope, a telescope, a periscope, a stroboscope, and other strange devices. And he did project the threads upon a screen and gazed upon their form and it was fair.
And he gauged the threads by the law of the Go and Nogo and the law of Root thickness.
And from one bolt which seemed doubtful he did cause a test piece to be made, and great was the tensile thereof and Izod and the Elongation were fair to behold.
Then he caused X-rays to shine upon them lest there be concealed weevils inside them.
These things and many others which are in the Sacred Book did he perform with great cunning.

And when all these things had come to pass it was the evening of the nineteenth day and he made out a release note and inscribed therein all the necessary details.
And he signed it and put his stamp upon it and upon the bolts also. then he spake unto the bolt maker saying: "I do declare this batch of bolts to be pretty damn good. Dispatch them unto the Turbine Factory, and if they bounce, then I shall catch them without salt."

But Lo it came to pass, that they were rejected.
They had been fashioned to an obsolete issue of the drawing.
And the grief of the Inspector was terrible to behold.

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